The 3 Mistakes of My Life

'The biggest selling English language novelist in India's history' says the cover of The 3 Mistakes of My Life, Chetan Bhagat's new novel. In the Acknowledgments page he writes, 'However, I don't want to be India's most admired writer. I just want to be India's most loved writer.' By 'admired' he meant 'respected' I think.
In the same page he starts off with 'To Shinie Antony...' and goes about listing all the people that helped him BUT he does not say what he wanted to say. It is just a list of people. Who is your editor Chetan?

I told myself that I will not start judging the book even before I read it. But I can't help it.

I don't want to talk about Bhagat's writing skills. I am even willing to forgive the lapse on page 3 of the story. He will admit himself that his prose is not something to write home about. Let's talk storytelling. His story is based in Ahmedabad. His characters talk like they are in Boston though. Where is the local flavor Chetan? Guys, even those that want to be seen as hip, don't talk like 'Sure, Ish could not make his dream of being in the Indian Cricket team real.' I know, you mean 'Ish could not realise his dream...' If someone smashes my face, I will not ask 'What's wrong with you?' I will punch him back or run away or at least scream my lungs off. But I definitely won't inquire about my attacker's state of mind.

Chetan don't be carried away by Bollywood. You probably think it is a shrewd idea to package Cricket and Religion in a tale. It is probably clever, I don't know, but to spin a tale, any tale, you need to get the basics write right. I want to identify with your characters. I don't expect a Gujju boy to sound like a foul-mouthed, prepubescent American. I am sure Gujju boys use a lot more 'behen chod' or 'madar chod' than 'fuck'. I hazard a guess that not many in that small town use 'dude'. My point is that I could not see the old city in Ahmedabad. The net effect was that your characters lack life and depth. They sound like Bollywood characters.

So how does one bring the local, vernacular flavor to a tale written in English? Find key phrases, ideas... hooks that will instantly make your reader relate to your story. For example, if you wrote a story based in Chennai about the same characters. You are better off writing 'Otha stop it da machan' than 'What the fuck! Stop it dude!' That's a crude example, but I hope you see my point.

Chetan you know what the three mistakes of your life are now? Don't you?

I wonder, when an American critic picks up the novel, and spots the line on page 3 'We ran out the house' what will she think about us Indian readers? All right it is a typo but dude, but what the fuck?

Here's a review by The Mint. Taneesha, learn what a possessive pronoun is first before you write shit like "Its not when New York Times describes him as the biggest selling English language author..."
Long live mediocrity!

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Scorpions Rock Bangalore

The Scorpions came to town and rocked a nostalgic crowd for a couple of hours. The elderly gentleman in the front stood, in stoic silence, and watched Klaus Meine and his boys trying to recreate their magic. There's a story right there: the Scorpions have definitely lost a bit of their sting all right, but despite that they gave a memorable experience. That is precisely what was lacking in the Aerosmith show. The drummer, James Kottak, is the eccentric in the band I think. That madman played hard and drank harder. I don't want to say anything about the guitarists Matthias Jabs and Rudolf Schenker. I really can't make up my mind about their craft. However the bassist, Pawel Maciwoda, showed that rare touch and spirit. I am not going to humor you with the song list of the concert. They played a few from their latest album Humanity: Hour 1 and followed it up with their classics. I have to make a special mention of the rendition of Still Loving You, Blackout, and When the Smoke is Going Down; these numbers reiterated why these guys are legends. So if you grew up listening to Scorpions and missed the concert, I have to tell you that you missed a special performance. That said, what pleased me was how the band engaged the crowd. It showed that they respected the average Bangalorean that paid 1200 bucks to be there. It was a different story in the Aerosmith show: they acted like they were doing us a favor by performing that night.

Why can't the monkeys from the Press write accurate concert reviews? WTF! they get paid to write man. The dufus from Times of India wins the first prize this time. Read on:

The audience too pitched in, straining their vocal chords for songs such as Rock You Like A Hurricane, Wind of change, Still loving you, When the smoke is going down, Holiday, Send me an angel, You and I, Blackout, and Under the same sun.

Under the same sun? They never played that number Prashanth. And, what the fuck do you mean by vocal CHORDS? Who are you people? What gives you the authority and the condescension to write nonsense like that? How difficult is it for a young punk like you to attend a concert, make notes, and write an accurate review? And dude, vocal CHORDS!? Get the fuckouta here.

(Image courtesy: Wikipedia Author: Pablo BM, Plymouth, England)

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AeroForce One Crashes In Bangalore

As it turned out, it was a pretty bad show. Yes, it was bad trust me. Tyler sang as if he had no interest at all in entertaining the audience. He never hit the high notes. And most times, did not even sing! Joe Perry was equal in his rather pompous display of utter incompetence. It was stunning to watch these guys willingly screw up; we grew up listening to them and watching them. It as a big let down. I was actually waiting for the concert to finish, so I could get back home and drink some beer. The only high point of the concert happened outside of it: a guy ran back from the gate screaming 'Hey they are asking me for tickets man!'
And, what's with these guys, Tyler and Perry, advertising their stupidity? They think India is about Elephants, Vindaloo, Cobras, and Tigers! Why am I not surprised!

Now, writing concert reviews hit a new high today. Anand Sankar's review in The Hindu today, stinks of ignorance. Some gems from his review:

There was "Falling In Love (is hard on the knees)" followed by "Crazy".

They never played Crazy Anand. I want some of what you were smoking at the concert. Wait a minute, were you at the concert at all?

All along the massive backdrop kept playing superb animation, the band large-size or clips from the original videos.

Huh? I can't believe that Hindu actually published this gibberish.

Every wrinkle on face and every muscle in his body was tense.

Who is this guy! I want Anand to be our next President.

He showed off the many tattoos on his torso, including the one on his lower back that simply said in bold: "Lick me". The origins of the band were in no doubt when Tyler went on with the typically drawled "Baibey".

First, the tattoo was on his lower STOMACH. The origins were clear because he said 'Baibey?' I rest my case.

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