The Perfect Love Letter - 2
The veteran's sole purpose in life was women. He used to boast that he 'maintained' four girl friends simultaneously. Don't ask me what that means, I am still figuring it out myself. He carried about dozen letters on him and as and when a girl captured his fancy he would walk up to her, ask her name, pull a letter out, fill the blank next to 'dear ----', and give her the letter. Anyway, while hanging out at Ravi's (he is no more.), next to VijayaMahal Talkies (it is also no more.), the veteran bummed a smoke from me and we got into a conversation. 'So, how's your girl?' he asked me, as he let the smoke drift through his bunny teeth. I was surprised and elated too. Not too many in my gang had any girl friends, I don't think they do even now. We were such losers when it came to women, it is not even funny. 'I don't have a girl, what are you talking about?' I answered. He flicked the ash off his smoke, seriously admired the ants that were busy running around on the ground, and whispered, 'You want her to be your girl, no?'
I couldn't confide into anyone in my gang. They hated women. 'Why do you need women when you have VCRs and god-given hands?' was the guiding principle of the gang you see. They thought a girl friend clipped your wings and exhausted your emotional, intellectual bandwidth. So, I was only happy to talk to the veteran. At least he admitted his unremitting, unwavering love for women. I clarified to him however that he should not confuse what I feel for her with what he generally felt for women. 'Mine is pure love and yours is lust.' I told him. He laughed and said, 'what's the ****ing difference?' I had no answer for it so I borrowed a line from Ramesh, the god of love for Greamspet, Chittoor, 'the consummation of love is sacrifice and that of lust is guilt.' The veteran laughed and said, 'you'll die a virgin, I am sure.' My heart shuddered at that thought and I sent a little prayer immediately, to avoid such a catastrophe.
Anyway, I explained my problems to him; how my height, weight, lack of facial hair, lack of bicycle, money... you get the drift? Yeah, I asked how could I manage a breakthrough and occupy her heart. 'Write a love letter with blood.' He said. For a moment, I was dumbstruck. That was pure genius. He also added, 'write it with ink first and rewrite on top with blood. She anyway calls you her friend... not brother or something, so I believe you have a chance.'
'Where do I cut myself? How much blood do I need for four pages?' I rattled. He said, 'why do you want to cut yourself? Find a frog or a garden lizard or something. Are you ****ing crazy?'
The next morning I started drafting my letter. I had bunked school under the pretext of fever and as soon as my dad left for work and mom settled down with her Kumudham, I started writing. I am not going to humour you with the contents of the letter but let me outline it for you. It sent a very practical yet moving message. It used lines from the ELS Volume 1 collection (especially from 'go ahead and rain', 'up where we belong', 'I'd love you to want me') and it had translated lines from QSQT songs. After I drafted the letter I also changed my hairstyle. Suri had suggested it because he thought that the more I look and talk like Aamir Khan, the better my chances are (sorry Aamir). I hid the letter in my Chemistry 'Notes' notebook and went to work on my hair. I was pleased with the way my hair parted in the middle, just like Aamir's. Only, my mom asked me 'since when did you become a fan of Karunanidhi.' I ignored her comment, for she is old school you see. I stepped out into Edward's farm looking for big garden lizards. I hated frogs. I could find only juvenile garden lizards that were too thin. I wanted an adult fothamucker. I found one lazing on a boulder but he was too quick for me. I took a coconut leaf and made a noose out of it. Even that didn't help. After spending roughly two hours, I decided that I'd rather cut myself than chase them stupid lizards. In between it occurred to me that I only needed blood and I almost made up my mind to cut Suren, my kid bro, up with a Panama blade. But then my dad would have cut me and fed me to the same lizards in Edward's farm. So I chucked the cut-suren's-a$$ idea. That's when one of her friends bumped into me near the gate of my home. We generally did small talk before she told me 'she is very upset, did you hear?' I went 'Why, why, why, why? She said, 'Yeah, this guy gave her a love letter?' I went limp and asked 'And?' She said, 'it is not so much about the letter you know, but this moron actually wrote it with his blood!' I asker her 'you mean rewrite with blood on something already written with ink?' She said 'nope. pure blood. And she thinks all those boys that do nonsense like this should be ashamed of themselves, you know what right do they have....' Her voice trailed off and I walked into my home like a Zombie. [...TO BE CONTINUED]
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